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August 21, 2008
Two Funny Stories
These stories, which I stress DID NOT happen to me, but were posted on a friends blog, written by friends of hers and they were SO snarky, I just HAD to share them with my own readers:
The Meaty Bites Diet
Ask a stupid question:
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
Anger Management Works
Ever have a bad day? I think this would work for me: When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale " sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the
car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole ..2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management works.
Posted by Amy at 10:14 AM | Comments (0)
August 19, 2008
MOO!!!
Here's something you don't see everyday going down the highway...a 15 ft. cow (or I'm guessing that's how tall it was). I just HAD to get a picture of it. It took a few tries to get a shot where you could actually tell it was a 15 ft. cow. Perhaps it was on its way to visit the Jolly Green Giant? ;-P
Which leaves me with one of my most favorite quotes:
"Cow! (long pause)...'Nuther cow!"
"Actually, I think that was the same one."
-Helen Hunt & Bill Paxton from Twister
Posted by Amy at 10:12 PM | Comments (3)
August 18, 2008
JMAC Test 8/17/08
This weekend was a culmination of lots of hard work for many people at the Japanese Martial Arts Center. They were testing for promotions in judo, jujutsu and iaido.
It's been such a privilege and a pleasure for me to work with some of these students. I've seen improvement in everyone I've been working with, male or female, but I've been spending extra time with the women in jujutsu and iaido. And even though I'm not very experienced with teaching formally, the women seem to really respond to me (that's me with Sarah from iaido above). It might just be the fact that I'm also woman, so maybe they just connect with me better, I'm not sure. (A couple of them have been extremely kind by complimenting my teaching skills.) But mainly, I just can't express HOW utterly proud and inspired I am by all the work they've done and the improvement I've seen! Everyone, and I mean everyone, all did incredibly well in the test and each got a well-deserved promotion.
I really enjoy working with them and it's been such an incredibly rewarding learning experience for me to become a better teacher and role model. And I've only recently started "teaching" (I say that with quotes because I don't actually teach a whole class yet, I just help out as much as I can). I just hope it keeps on going this well!
Congratulations to all who tested!! Keep an eye out...There'll be a video or two on my YouTube page as soon as I have time to post them.
Posted by Amy at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2008
Update on ER Visit & Vacation
Actually, the damage to my neck wasn't too horrible, though the pain was pretty bad. And Don pointed out that I'd written in the previous entry that we went to the ER at 4pm, when I actually meant we were there at 4AM. YAWN!!
After the shot and the valium they gave me to relax the muscle in my neck, it went from a 9 on a scale of 1-10 (10 being excruciating) to about a 6. And it's been getting better slowly day by day. We went to Canada to visit Don's family at their cottages and his aunt was a saint by offering to let me borrow her buckwheat heating pad...nuke it for 2 minutes and you get nice hot relief. I did that several times a day. Then yesterday, we got back home in time for my pre-scheduled massage therapy where she worked on my neck for most of the time. I think the pain's down to about a 3.5 to 4. It's mostly stiff in the morning when I first get up, but as the day goes on, it loosens up.
Needless to say, I couldn't do a whole lot while we were in Canada--no jetskiing or anything like that. We did go out on the row boat a couple of times where Don did all the rowing. And the other day, I was feeling good enough that I could actually gather a bunch of kindling for the fire. Except as I was breaking these long branches into manageable pieces (about 2-3 ft in length), I broke one that didn't exactly want to break and it snapped back and smacked me in the knee but good! I've got a nice multi-colored bruise to show for it. Ah well. The firewood made for some nice heat and there was good conversation all around the fire. I've got pictures posted on my Picasa page and I've posted a few videos on Youtube (lightning over Georgian bay at night, the surf at the beach showing the water levels have risen this year, and our ferry ride back to the U.S.).
The weather in Canada was mostly cloudy and cold so it wasn't like we could have done all that much anyway, so mostly we just sat and watched the Olympics. The opening ceremonies were completely awesome--best I've seen yet. And I was really into the beach and indoor volleyball. Made me miss the days when I used to play, except the rules have changed pretty drastically since I did. We also played some Texas Hold 'Em where I developed a new strategy--so long as I have decent cards, I bet aggressively and hope that I bluff out the other players into folding. It worked pretty well for a while, but then Don eventually caught on to me and beat me, but not by much! And I also learned how to play Risk, a game of strategy where you try to take over the world by defeating all the other players.
The only day where the weather was decent was Monday and it was only sunny for a few hours. But I got to sit out and enjoy it while chatting with Karen and then took a "dip" in the lake (really I just waded around the water waist high since it was kind of cold). Even though we didn't do much, it was nice to get away and relax and Aunt Nancy & Uncle John invited us back for Labor Day weekend which is only a few weeks away. So I know I'm gonna enjoy that a lot more, especially since my neck should be all healed by then! In the meantime, the next couple weekends, Don will be spending time with the guys so I'll be spending a little more time with Harry Potter, Agents Mulder & Scully, and maybe even Wall-E. :)
Posted by Amy at 10:00 AM | Comments (0)
August 08, 2008
ER Visit
Don't worry, it was nothing serious, but I did have to go to the emergency room late last night around 4pm. I don't have much time to blog about all the details, but here's basically what happened:
Last night during martial arts, we got out the cushy mat to practice rolls and falling. I've been dying to try out forward rolls since I can't really do it on the regular mat because of the rods in my back. I was doing great and having a great time (see video above) till I got a little too brave and decided to try it out on the real mat. Well, I ended up tweaking my neck and either pulling something or causing a severe spasm.
It wasn't so bad at first, but I was warmed up. As time went by, it seemed to get worse--more stiff and painful. I ended up waking up at 3am and decided by 3:45 to go to the emergency room because the pain was so bad. I hated waking Don up, but I had to tell him where I was going. I told him he didn't have to go , but he responded with a very emphatic "YES I DO!!!"
We got there and the nurse saw us right away. Didn't take as long for the doctors to see us as I thought it would, but they ended up giving me a valium which made me sleepy and a shot in the arm of something I can't remember the name of. That shot was probably the most painful shot I've ever had--it was so bad, it felt like getting stabbed in the shoulder with a hot and very sharp knife and I actually cried. Though I have to say it definitely took my mind off the pain in my neck! They let me go after a while and prescribed me more valium and 800mg ibuprofen.
Right now, I feel somewhat better. Before, on a scale of 1-10, where 10 is excruciating, I was at a 9. Now, I'm probably at a 5. It still hurts, but it's much more tolerable.
All told, we were in and out of the hospital in just under 3 hours. But seeing as I had to pick up my prescription, pack for Canada and take a shower, a nap was out of the question. Maybe I'll get a nap in the car.
Posted by Amy at 12:45 AM | Comments (1)